Las personas que usan estas 3 polémicas palabras tienen niveles muy altos de inteligencia emocional

Recientemente, al actualizar mi libro electrónico gratuito, noté que Inteligencia emocional 2021 ((Descarga aquí) que podría haber cometido un error.

Tiene que ver con una simple frase de tres palabras que algunas personas usan instintivamente y que otras son rápidas en criticar como resultado.

Mientras estaba entre los críticos una vez, llegué a creer que esta frase en realidad podría ser un signo de alta inteligencia emocional.

La frase en cuestión, “Me siento como”, especialmente cuando se usa como sustituto de “Yo pienso” o “Yo creo” o simplemente para hacer una declaración significativa sin joyas.

  • “Tengo la sensación de que tal vez haya una mejor manera de hacer esto” o
  • “Creo que es probable que la respuesta sea centrarse en el compromiso sobre el crecimiento” o
  • “Siento que a veces no me escuchas y tal vez no aprecias mis contribuciones”.

Los críticos dicen que la gente usa “Me siento como” una muleta porque “no tienen el coraje de creer” y esperan “cubrir sus apuestas … de una manera calculada que sacrifica la seguridad por la seguridad”.

Dicen que esta oración incluye “palabras débiles, palabras de comadreja, palabras que evitan conflictos”.

Conozco esta reseña literalmente porque una vez fui una de las personas que la hizo.

Por supuesto, no estaba solo, pero hace casi cinco años escribí una columna sobre “Me siento como” con el titular: ¿Quieres ser excepcionalmente convincente? Empiece por prohibir estas 3 palabras débiles.

“Si calificas tu opinión, tus comentarios serán descalificados”, escribí en ese momento. “Parece que ni siquiera estás seguro de lo que estás diciendo. Si no estás seguro, ¿por qué debería convencer a alguien más?”

Luego mi comentario fue seguido por una opinión en el New York Times por Molly Worthen, profesora asistente de historia en la Universidad de Carolina del Norte en Chapel Hill.

Aquí está parte de lo que escribió en 2015:

“La oración paraliza nuestra capacidad para expresarnos y aplana el complejo papel que juegan las emociones en nuestro razonamiento.

Convierte las emociones en un club que anula la distinción entre evidencia en el mundo y sentimientos internos que solo conocemos todos. “

Pero luego han pasado cinco años desde que lo pensé por primera vez. Y firmemente convencido de que “una consecuencia estúpida de las pequeñas mentes del hobgoblin”, para citar a Emerson, lo he reevaluado.

Primero escribí sobre otro hábito verbal por el que se denuncia a algunas personas: “rascacielos”.

Este es el fenómeno que hace que las personas pronuncien oraciones declarativas con un tono ascendente que se usa con más frecuencia para hacer una pregunta. Es la diferencia entre:

  • “Creo que deberíamos llegar a los clientes existentes para saber dónde estamos y qué oportunidades futuras podemos aprovechar”.
  • “¿Creo que deberíamos llegar a los clientes existentes? ¿Para saber dónde estamos? ¿Y averiguar qué oportunidades futuras podemos aprovechar?”

Con eso en mente sobre el prisma de la inteligencia emocional, llegué a la conclusión de que las personas podrían adoptar este hábito de hablar porque están trabajando para involucrar a su audiencia, en lugar de porque les falta confianza.

Los signos de interrogación implican:

  • ¿Estás conmigo?
  • ¿Entiendes lo que te estoy diciendo?
  • ¿Está recibiendo esta sugerencia como pretendo?
  • ¿Tengo que reajustarme para que lo entiendas?

En otras palabras, sugieren una comprensión activa de cómo se pueden escuchar las palabras en contraposición a lo que el hablante está tratando de decir.

De manera similar, he entendido cómo me siento. Es el mismo fenómeno.

Al igual que el hábito verbal anterior, ahora me parece un signo potencial de inteligencia emocional muy alta: una decisión táctica sutil e incluso intuitiva para eliminar las emociones en ambos lados de la comunicación para lograr el resultado deseado.

El hablante renuncia a su orgullo o miedo a ser percibido como más débil o la necesidad de proyectar poder simplemente expresando su sugerencia como “sentimiento”.

De esta manera, también se mitigan los temores del público a ser desafiado o reprimido. Paradójicamente, esto puede facilitarles la adopción de la propuesta.

Sospecho que puse más en la declaración que la mayoría de las personas cuando eligieron hablar de esa manera. Y algunos podrían decir que evita conflictos.

Pero, ¿qué hay de malo en evitar conflictos innecesarios? ¿Especialmente cuando la persona que lo usa se da cuenta de que probablemente tiene menos poder que su audiencia pero aún espera lograr un objetivo?

Si el mundo fuera un lugar perfecto y todos juzgáramos las ideas de los demás por los méritos de las ideas mismas, tal vez todavía estaría atrapado en el “Anti-me siento como“Depósito.

Pero no es así y nosotros no. Entonces no lo soy.

Las personas emocionalmente inteligentes comprenden que, a veces, la forma más fácil de mejorar las posibilidades de lograr sus objetivos es examinar realmente sus hábitos lingüísticos.

Y volver a examinar “Me siento como” podría ser un buen punto de partida.

(No olvide el libro electrónico gratuito y constantemente actualizado, Mejorando la inteligencia emocional 2021. Si te gustó este artículo, puede que te resulte muy útil).

Las opiniones expresadas aquí por los columnistas de Heaven32 son las suyas propias, no las de Heaven32.

n Critics say people use "I feel like" as a crutch, because they "don't have the courage of their convictions," and hope to "hedge their bets ... in a calculated way that sacrifices certainty for safety."  n They say this phrase involves "weak words, weasel words, conflict-avoiding words." n I know those criticisms verbatim because I was once one of the people making them. n Certainly, I was not alone, but nearly five years ago, I wrote a column about "I feel like" headlined: Want to Be Extraordinarily Persuasive? Start by Banning These 3 Weak Words. n "Qualifying your opinion disqualifies your remarks," I wrote at the time. "It makes it sound as if you're not even sure of what you're saying. If you're not sure, why should anyone else be convinced?"  n My commentary then was prompted by an opinion piece in the New York Times by Molly Worthen, an assistant professor of history at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.  n Here's part of what she wrote back in 2015: n
"The phrase cripples our range of expression and flattens the complex role that emotions do play in our reasoning.  n It turns emotion into a cudgel that smashes the distinction ... between evidence out in the world and internal sentiments known only to each of us."
n But then, five years went by since I first reflected on this. And, firm in the conviction that "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," to quote Emerson, I reevaluated. n I wrote first about about another verbal habit that some people get pilloried for: "high rising terminal." n That's the phenomenon that results in people speaking declarative sentences with a rising pitch that is more commonly applied to asking a question. It's the difference between: n
    t
  • "I think we should reach out to existing customers, so we know where we stand, and figure out which future opportunities to double down on."
n And: n
    t
  • "I think we should reach out to existing customers? So we know where we stand? And figure out which future opportunities to double down on?"
n Considering this via the prism of emotional intelligence, I concluded that people might adopt that speaking habit because they're working to bring their audience along with them, rather than because they lack confidence. n The questions marks imply: n
    t
  • Are you with me?
  • t
  • Do you understand what I'm saying?
  • t
  • Are you receiving this suggestion the way I intend it?
  • t
  • Do I need to readjust in order to get you to comprehend?
n In other words, they suggest an active understanding of how words can be heard, as opposed simply to what the speaker wants to say. n Similarly, that's how I've come to understand "I feel like." It's the same phenomenon. n Like the earlier verbal habit, it strikes me now as a potential sign of very high emotional intelligence: a subtle and even intuitive tactical choice to strip away emotion on both sides of the communication to achieve a desired result.  n The speaker abandons his or her pride, or the fears of being perceived as weaker, or the need to project power, by couching his or her suggestion as simply a "feeling."  n In so doing, the audience's fears of being challenged or supplanted, are also assuaged. Paradoxically, that can make it easier for them to adopt the suggestion. n I suspect I've put more though into explaining this than most people do in choosing to speak this way. And, some might say it's conflict-avoiding.  n But truly, what's wrong with avoiding unnecessary conflict? Especially when the person using it realizes that he or she is likely to have less power than his or her audience, but still hopes to achieve a goal? n If the world were a perfect place, and we all judged one another's ideas simply on the merits of the ideas themselves, maybe I'd still be firmly in the "anti-I feel-like" camp.  n But it's not, and we don't. So, I'm not. n Emotionally intelligent people understand that sometimes the easiest way to improve the odds of reaching your objectives is to really examine your language habits. n And, reexamining "I feel like," might be a very good place to start. n (Don't forget the continuously updated, free ebook, Improving Emotional Intelligence 2021. If you enjoyed this article, I feel like you might find it really useful.) 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